Blog / Dominatrix

Can the dominator control everything?

It sounds like bureaucracy, but it’s quite common for a submissive to sign a contract even before having sex for the first time with their dominator. The rules of a casual relationship or a more serious relationship in BDSM can be combined into a detailed document, written by the top and signed by the bottom, in which the two undertake to comply with what is written. 

The Fifty Shades of Gray book contract, despite being widely criticized by real BDSM practitioners, is a tool that, if done well, can be useful for those involved in avoiding BDSM robberies .

The most important rule for a successful contract is that it is just a formalization of a super open and honest dialogue with the partner. Of course, it’s much nicer to talk about what gives us pleasure, but it’s essential that couples also talk about their limits. It seems contradictory, but the bottom has great power in his hands!

Can the dominator control everything?

Some dominators are horny in controlling various aspects of the bottom’s life, such as the times he will be available, clothes, friendships, permission to masturbate, even the use of birth control pills. If any of these aspects seem abusive to you, it is! And if you, on the other hand, want someone in charge of your personal life, make sure that person will respect you if you change your mind and will not act with psychological or physical violence. It’s the kind of thing you only notice after getting to know a person more deeply. Signing any contract right away can be rash and dangerous. 

Other practitioners use the contract as a way to gain pleasure without taking it too seriously. The clauses may contain things that the couple fantasizes about doing, but lacks the courage. This situation is more common in relationships between people who are curious about BDSM or with couples who practice virtual BDSM.

How to choose a good contract

The fact is that a good contract always contains the safeword, that is, the safeword that the bottom will pronounce if he no longer wants to obey or take punishment. It needs to be a word that is not normally said during sex. Words like “stop” and “no” are bad safeword ideas. “Pudding” and “alert”, for example, are better ideas. The contract may also contain an intermediate safeword, which is a word that indicates the submissive has reached its limit. By the way, the safeword can also be used by the dominant, in this case to indicate that he is tired or that that scene has gone too far.

A submission contract must also have a list of the dominator’s obligations, such as respecting limits, always looking for new ways to provide pleasure, taking care of aftercare , which are taking care of the bottom after a BDSM session, among other commitments.

BDSM in everyday life and monogamy

It is also important to define if the BDSM relationship will be 24×7, that is, if the couple will be acting out their roles all the time or if they will only assume their positions in intimate moments. It is worth remembering that many people who like to be in charge in bed hate having to make routine decisions and, on the other hand, many submissives are true leaders in everyday tasks. So, will you face the 24×7?

Regarding the exclusivity contract, BDSM can be present in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships, such as in polyamory . This definition about having other sexual partners and to practice BDSM scenes can also be in the contract. Some submissive accept threesomes with “collar brothers,” as they are called other bottoms that obey the same owner. What if a submissive wants to obey more than one dominator? It is also possible, just combine. The term “loan” is used when one dominator allows another to engage in BDSM practices with their sub. 

BDSM and abuse

As a continuation of the above topic, although fetish relationship models vary widely, it is critical that BDSM be done within a healthy relationship and that neither party demonstrates any abusive behavior. Mixing obedience and pain with an abusive relationship is bound to go wrong.

One of the most important concepts of BDSM is the SSC, they are secure and consensual. The term gained popularity in Chicago and New York in the 1980s among the gay male community after a few episodes of abuse between more experienced dominators and younger submissives.

The concept of “healthy”, that is, healthy, reminds us that BDSM activity should take place among people who are aware of the distinction between reality and roleplay, as well as concerned about the physical and mental health of everyone involved in the practice. The “insurance” is about the knowledge and study of the security notions of the practices and the equipment used. The “consensus” reinforces the essential idea that any kind of abuse is not BDSM.

The limits of “are, safe and consensual”

But the acronym SSC is not unanimous among BDSM practitioners. Many criticize the fact that it is a simplification, which only has the role of making the community look “normal” in the eyes of the vanilla world. Something like “look, we do everything by consensus, so leave us alone”. Gary Switch, a BDSM practitioner, raised another concept that ended up being widespread in the 2000s: RACK, which stands for risk aware consensual kink, something like “risk aware and consensual fetish”.

Regardless of the acronym adopted, the most important thing is that RACK brings the notion that, yes, some BDSM practices are risky and that they need to be always discussed, reflected and rethought so as not to fall into dangerous and abusive situations. It’s not just because a BDSMer adopted a practice a long time ago that it will be good forever and with all partners. Or that he can’t change and wonder if it still has to do with his personality.

Blame, Taboos, and BDSM’s Dark Areas

Human sexuality is historically a source of guilt, taboos and prejudices. Our relationship with sex, even outside BDSM, especially in the case of women, is marked by lack of consent and discomfort. BDSM shouldn’t be like that. Reflecting and rethinking what is really good for you and what is truly consensual should come before any sexual act, whether fetishistic or not. 

It is worth mentioning a very controversial and popular practice in pornography, rape play (staging of rape), which is an extremely sensitive fetish and which confuses the notions acquired in SSC and RACK. Before facing him, the conversation needs to be long. For rapeplay to happen, it must be done in a more intimate relationship, with someone who makes you feel good — and the bottom must carefully think about whether the feeling after practice will really be pleasurable. On the other hand, the dominant must ensure that the bottom is prepared, list situations in which the “surprise” may happen, even combine some code, such as a piece of clothing, so that the bottom knows that it is the enactment. combined. 

Another practice that requires greater intimacy is hypnosis associated with BDSM, which we’ve already talked about in this article . Some dominators specialize in hypnotizing their bottoms to heighten a sense of surrender and relaxation.


How to Be Dominant [ BDSM ]

How to Be Dominant – Many people believe that being dominant or submissive is something that is ingrained from birth. They believe they cannot learn to be sexual dominant in the bedroom or become more submissive, but even if you are a natural born dominant, you still need to acquire the knowledge and experience to be a good domme . And you can learn to master your man skillfully, even if it’s not a driving force in your personality.

With the right attitude, an open mind, and the right tools at your disposal, you’ll quickly discover that becoming dominant in bed is doable, empowering, and a lot of fun!

Follow these easy rules and you’ll be on your way to being more dominant and adventurous in the bedroom.

It’s not a giant leap

If you go too far into the pot, you may have a negative experience that can be avoided or, even worse; someone can get hurt. Even if you end up dominating your hardcore man with whips and blades, don’t want to come dominating out of nowhere.

Learning to be dominant and, perhaps more importantly, to be a good housekeeper for a partner takes time. Being a good dominant takes experience.

You should start with less intense or extreme activities (remember: just playing with power shifting can make things more intense!). That way, if something goes wrong, it’s much easier to deal with because it’s your responsibility as a dominant to take charge if things go wrong.

Knowing that you can handle any small – or big – roadblocks on the road will give you the confidence to tackle more intense types of play and react calmly when something goes wrong.

On the other hand, dominating your man doesn’t have to be that bizarre, extreme sex. If you just feel like commanding him to do some acts, mostly vanilla (vanilla, in this context, refers to non-eccentric sexual activities ), that’s fine too!

Just exercising that power can be highly erotic, and the two of you can feel the power flow between you. Initiating sex and instructing your partner on what to do may not be very eccentric (what is eccentric anyway?), but it’s a great start and can help them have better sex!

Want to make your man obsessed and sexually addicted to you? Use the secret techniques of eccentric sex in my private and discreet newsletter.

So start with that.

The mistake so many women make in exploring how to become dominant is that they feel they need to make drastic and massive changes in their attitudes and actions. Fortunately, this is not the case. In fact, if you suddenly change your attitude, it might even scare your man, which is obviously not the point.

So what kind of steps can you take to slowly become more dominant?

Try to start: kiss your man when he’s not expecting you. Run your hand up and down his thigh so he knows what you’re thinking. Take him by the hand and take him somewhere private, then start unbuckling his belt. Push him down onto your bed.

Try some ‘women on top sex positions. Gently bite your lip. Start with the easiest things and you’ll quickly notice how easy and fun it is!

Tell him you want to try something new: you can pin his arms and tie him to the bed. You could cuff his hands behind his back and then “do it your way” giving him a blowjob. You can ask him to come down on you and use your hands on your head to guide you exactly where you want him to focus.

stay on the way

Once you’re comfortable with this, it’s time to take it a step further. Some people find that when learning to be dominant, the best way to speed things up is with what you say. This can make it easier for you and your partner to get in the mood at the right time.

Start by giving simple orders or commands :

Can you do me a favor and rub my feet?

Get me a glass of wine, will you?

Come suck me?

Once he’s happily obeying these commands, you can get a little more perverted, especially when you’re actually having sex with your man. Here are some example commands to give it.

You’re going to taste me (then physically push his head down so he starts eating you).

You won’t come until I say so, okay?

You are not allowed to orgasm until I come at least twice.

A quick tip: You can learn a lot more about how to talk dirty to your man to increase sexual tension and turn him on in this tutorial in this article.

These are just a few examples of commands you can give your man. You don’t necessarily need to use exactly these commands, but they will give you a good idea of ​​what sorts of things you can tell your man to become dominant and for both of you to feel comfortable with your roles.

Discover your taste of domination

Once you’ve tried out some of these suggestions and “dipped your toe” in the mastery of dominating your man, then it’s time to start figuring out what kind of domination you prefer.

Most dominators, they want to exploit dominance only to a small degree and keep it confined to the bedroom. Others want to live the 24/7 lifestyle and “own” their man in full control. Until you start exploring domination, you won’t know exactly what you want.

One thing people often don’t understand about being dominant in bed is that you don’t have to be extreme or cruel. It’s perfectly fine to be a more loving dominant or limit yourself to a little “less eccentric” activities. In fact, it might be preferable.

You will feel more comfortable dominating your man when you are a dominant version of yourself and not just imitating what you think dominance should be.

So if your stomach turns when you think about stepping on your man’s genitals, you don’t have to. Of course, being sadistic and cruel can be fun and rewarding. But you don’t have to focus on correcting and punishing the behavior.

What is the alternative?

You can be a loving dominant. Instead of being just punishment, you can focus on rewarding his good behavior. Instead of telling your partner he’s just doing it wrong or just humiliating you, then tell him how much he pleased you by doing what you asked him the way YOU wanted.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with being cruel or sadistic. Some submissives give up control because that’s precisely what takes them out of the picture. And if that works for you and your partner, great! But feel free to be more romantic and rewarding if it’s a better option or even to choose depending on your scene.

This brings us to the next question you can ask if you want to know how to be more dominant in sex .

What is a scene?

When reading articles about domination, BDSM, and other perverted activities, you’ll come across this term a lot, “scene”. In this case the scene, we are talking about which those involved assume roles voluntarily, in a kind of interaction or erotic game.


During a scene, you can use specific nicknames, which help to reinforce your roles and put you in the right space. For example, your partner might call your Mistress [Name] or a variation of her real name during a scene. You can require him to call you “ma’am” or use certain sentence structures when addressing you. Some female dominants are called “mommy”.

All these things are personal preferences.

Sometimes scenes are well planned and there is little room for detours. This can be a great way to play when you are trying to dominate your partner for the first time, playing with a new partner, or trying something new and more intense.

On the other hand, sometimes people play more by ear with partners or family activities or when they are not doing anything very intense.

Be safe and know the risks

Remember, however, that just because you’ve played like you used to, doesn’t mean it isn’t risky.

Even vanilla sex (conventional sex, without additions of toys, fetishes) carries risks of pregnancy, the transmission of STDs, or injuries. Something you’ve done a thousand times before can still go wrong.

In kink scenes, it means risk-aware consensus. Basically, it says that everything you are doing is consensual, but that you also recognize the inherent risk.

You can learn more about BDSM myths in this article and the essential BDSM rules. Following these rules is essential when you dominate someone and can help mitigate some of the risks of perverted activities. The article contains general advice and advice that also works for submissives, but you should keep reading below if you want specific dominance tips.


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