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Your Responsibilities as a Domme

You may be looking forward to jumping into the first scene with your partner. Maybe you’ve already played together and realized that you love being dominant in bed. Congratulations! But you might want to back off a bit, especially if you plan to try more intense activities.

Even if you never try anything super extreme, it’s important to realize that, as a dominant, you have unique responsibilities in your scene. You’re not just the person who can tie up and beat up your partner; you must also consider security.

So you have to follow some rules during your scene and even before it to make sure you’re fully prepared.

Know your tools. This could mean practicing on a pillow in front of a person, treating the rope before using it for the first time, doing the research before you even buy a new toy or tool, or watching someone else use it (YouTube is incredibly useful here. ). Some dominants don’t use items without testing them themselves to understand the full impact. You’ll also want to learn how to clean and store all the items you use.

Negotiate safety and boundaries before your scene. Knowing safe words, health concerns and hard and soft limits is essential before playing with anyone. You can use a BDSM contract to make sure you cover everything. Check out these examples of BDSM contracts.

Prepare for the worst. We recommend having everything you need for a scene gone wrong. Something strong enough to cut through slavery (safety scissors or cutters), keys to any lock, first aid kit, and a charged cell phone are all advisable. It might even be helpful to have a fire extinguisher nearby. Knowing that these items are on hand should something go wrong can help you keep a clear head.

Respect all safe words. Your sub needs to know that you will respect the safe words. Some people even argue that you can’t trust their consent if you’re not sure they feel safe revoking it. You might try a scene where you require your partner to use a safe word to practice. Whenever your subs use a safe word (or action), respect it. Stop and check-in. If you are using the traffic light system, a yellow one can mean pause or stop.

Check with your partner. Even if your partner does not use the safe word, it is advisable to check-in. Done right, you don’t need to break character or interrupt the flow of a scene while sexually growling, “You like it, don’t you?” But it’s absolutely acceptable to be more direct and cautious, especially when you’re learning how to be dominant or playing with new partners who may react in unexpected ways when something good or bad happens.

Pay attention to their behavior. Sometimes a submissive may not feel comfortable using a safe word or may not be able to because she may be muzzled or unable to speak. If they slip into subspace (learn what ‘subspace’ is), they may not be aware of their current state. You will need to monitor your partner and pay attention to bodily cues and nonverbal distress signals. Sometimes you may need to interrupt the scene if you notice.

Never leave your partner alone. Some people might joke about trying to tempt a person out of the room or even run to a store, but leaving a person tied up alone can be very dangerous. If the submission is suspended, the system may crash. He may have a natural health problem, such as a stroke, seizure, or even a nosebleed, with no one around to help.

Stay calm if something goes wrong. “Wrong” is subjective. It could mean that your partner is using your safeword, so you should stop/pause and check. This could mean the premature end of the scene. On the other hand, an injury, blackout, seizure, fire, or some other unexpected problem requires you, the Dominator, to take charge. If you are prepared, you should be able to handle most problems easily and remain calm as you do.

Provide aftercare for your sub —and yourself. Aftercare is the name given to treatment after a scene that helps the person to return to physical and mental balance. This could mean food and drink, a warm blanket, or hugs. Some people prefer silence and solitude. Aftercare is quite varied and you should be prepared not only to provide it to your partner but also to look for ways to treat them like a Domme (yes, they often do too!) Learn more about aftercare from BDSM.

Seek help when needed. While many people participate in some aspect of BDSM outside of any community, connecting with other kinksters can provide you with knowledge, experience, support, and guidance. For example, you may not be able to provide aftercare in some situations. This can be after a particularly intense scene or for yourself. You can rely on someone else’s help to provide aftercare. Just do this before a scene and they’ll agree to be available. Seeking help also means calling 192 when needed.

All of these rules help you orchestrate a scene that is safe and enjoyable for everyone involved. It may sound like a lot, but being prepared helps to minimize negative consequences. You can breathe a little easier knowing you have the knowledge and items you need to protect yourself and your partner.

It goes without saying that you need to respect your partner. If you don’t respect him, you will likely disregard the rules and responsibilities of a Dominant, and someone could get hurt. The meek are often warned about rulers who are disrespectful, which also makes them dangerous. You don’t want to be that person!

creating your scene

Gather what you need before a scene. This includes harnesses, bondage equipment, lubricant, and other necessities, but it can also extend to safety equipment such as safety scissors (used by paramedics to cut patients’ clothing), a first aid kit, or other safety equipment.

But that’s not the only thing you need to do.


One of your responsibilities as Domme is to discuss a few things before a scene. This is known as trading. We discussed this above, but it’s important enough to warrant a little more discussion.

Negotiation is important to ensure everyone has fun.

Negotiation is how you learn what your partner wants, what he won’t do (known in the scene as a “limit”), any health concerns (think diabetes, low blood pressure, seizures, anxiety, arthritis or a past injury) . This is a good time to discuss any medications, such as insulin, that you may need to use. You can also discuss fear of small spaces or dark or past traumas.

Safeword – Your partner can inform you of your safeword or the two of you can decide on one together.

Limits – don’t forget that you can list your own limits and concerns.

During negotiation, you may have to compromise because of some of the issues that come up.

Now, this can all seem formal, and negotiating a scene can be more structured, especially with a new partner, but it can be casual. This is especially true for less intense scenes or if you are used to your partner.

This can also be a fun and sexy activity. Negotiation can take place over the phone or text as part of your dirty talk, or you can let your partner know your limits during a coffee date, before even entering the bedroom.

Negotiation is when you can talk about what you want to do and hope to achieve. What will a hit scene look like? How will each of you know you are doing well? Answering these questions means you get to know your partner and he meets you, and that can really put you in the mood!

As you can see, it takes a lot of communication when you want to master it. In fact, some people think the BDSM, London mistress scene has helped people talk more explicitly and healthily about sex.

If you have difficulties with these discussions, don’t worry. Many people find it difficult to talk about sex. But it gets easier with time and experience. And talking about sex can greatly improve your sex life.

your first scene

If you’re looking for domination ideas for your first scene, I suggest something pretty tame. Start with the sex you are used to and add an element such as slavery or a blindfold. It might not seem like a great idea to add both at the same time, but adding two new elements can be overwhelming for both of you.

So, you can tie up your partner and do whatever you want with him, whether that includes riding him, giving him oral sex , teasing him with your hands or a sex toy to bring him close to orgasm and then stepping back or sitting down. right away .

Or you can put on a blindfold, but have sex normally.

A dominance tip to help your partner is to talk to him about what you’re doing the first few times he’s blindfolded, similar to how a massage therapist can announce what’s to come. This ensures there are no surprises.

Remember: it’s okay to feel a little nervous. That’s why you should start slowly. And it’s normal if things get weird, especially if you’re usually in the submissive role.

When your scene is complete, release your partner and proceed with aftercare.

Once you’re both comfortable with each element separately, you can combine them in future scenes.

What if something goes wrong?

Stop. Keep calm. Panic can cause you to react slowly or not at all, or do things in a frantic way that makes things unsafe. Find out what you need to do.

That probably means untying someone, removing the blindfolds and gags, and finding a place for their body to rest in comfort and safety. They can be aware or not. Talk to them calmly if they are alert to stay connected and let them know what is happening.

You won’t be looking for keys, security scissors, or a bandage if you’ve gathered these items in advance.

Treat wounds and administer appropriate medication. Are you comfortable giving injections if necessary?

You may need to call the appropriate emergency service and dress enough to meet paramedics at the door. Do not move or dress your partner if this makes any condition worse.

Most scenes don’t end badly. You can occasionally deal with someone passing out or with a whip cut. Most problems that are non-fatal and pass quickly. Sometimes the scene may continue, but you may want to shorten it just in case.

after the scene

When your scene ends, it’s time to arrange aftercare, which we’ve talked about a bit. We won’t expand too far because you can scroll up or read this guide for aftercare, but there are a few things to keep in mind.

First, aftercare can be extended. You can arrange some initial care, but a follow-up call the next morning or even a quick coffee or ice cream a few days later helps ensure your partner is doing well. Once the hormones calm down, they can find themselves experiencing overwhelming feelings, even though they enjoyed the scene. And it can take a day or more for your body and mind to get back to normal.


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